Posts Tagged ‘ Relationships ’

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

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Tonight your mine completely but….
Will you still love me tomorrow?

I have had this Supremes song on my mind for a couple of weeks now.  I wasn’t quite sure why or what I should do with it. I started this post a while back but I since I wasn’t sure why I had this song on my mind, well the post never really materialized. Not too much time later, my relationship with R ended. Maybe my doubts about our relationship were what drew me to this song. I will say I wasn’t devastated but I was hugely disappointed and sad. I saw so much potential for us that just never was able to be realized. My beau who loved me one day decided the next he doesn’t.  Is this even possible?  He didn’t actually say “I don’t love you,” but his actions spoke louder than anything he could ever say. The short version of what happened is that we were supposed to go away for the July 4 holiday. I needed to have the details of what we were doing so I could arrange and plan around it. When he wouldn’t committ to doing anything specific or even discuss it with any interest, I finally told him just to surprise me. Well the morning of the day we were to leave he was not feeling well. Again. I hadn’t doubted his nearly constant declarations that he didn’t feel well up to that point. The frequency of this complaint had me at thatmoment wondering how much truth there could be to what he was saying. Was it more like he felt a little bad but painted a bigger picture for me? How could someone just feeling like crap all the time?   There were actual medical reasons for him to feel bad but I still wondered. Anyway, so our plans were off for the weekend. Shortly after he told me he had just gotten up and was still feeling bad I decided I would just go over and see him. When I texted him that I was coming he responded saying that he was “downtown with his moms friend.”  Ok. So he goes from being in bed until noon because he was sick to being dowtown an hour later. I was a little upset!  I texted him back saying. “Forget it. I give up.”  I sent another couple of texts saying I didn’t appreciate being lied to and that all I asked was for him to be honest with me.  This seemed to be a theme in our relationship. The theme being that whatever we planned would somehow not work out and usually it was because he was sick. I knew we time would be limited over this time period and suggested at one point that maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a while.  He was very upset by this and so I had retracted the suggestion thinking maybe I was overreacting.  So I gave him the opportunity to break it off but he clearly didn’t want that.  We have to spend time together to have a relationship. He just couldn’t make the time. Whether he is truly as sick as he proclaims I’ll never know.

The text stating he “was downtown…” was the last time I heard from him. I sent several messages total and he didn’t respond to any of them.  It does look like he tried to call somewhere around that time.  I called him back once but he didn’t answer.  He basically went ‘no contact’ overnight. How is it that guys can just “turn it off?”  It completely baffles me. How can he love me one day and the next choose not to talk to me?  As far as I can tell there is no one else. So I’ve been left again for no one.  I’m feeling pretty discouraged and thinking I really suck at relationships.  I’m wondering if it was something about me, something I did or if it was more about him. I feel bad I wasn’t more understanding of him being sick, but then again, he could have broke it off saying he was not well enough to pursue a relationship. Instead I spent most of our relationship getting my hopes up that next time, next week he’ll feel better.

I guess love is not possible right now. 

Michele

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The Fight

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My oldest daughter and I had an enormous fight the other night. I am at a loss for any creative way to tell the story so I will just jump right in.

I began by asking her why she wasn’t in school on a particular  day she was supposed to be. What started as a discussion about why she wasn’t in school escalated into a fight about my dating. Additionally, she was upset about an unrelated thing I had done. I was more upset than I can remember being in a very long time. I feel like I do pretty good job not speaking  negatively about her father or the situation, but not in that atmoment. I just let out more than I should of. Her basic point was that she didn’t like my dating.  She said she doesn’t want anyone (whoever im dating) at our house and she didn’t want to meet them. I was at a loss for the right words. So instead I probably said a lot of things I shouldn’t have. I really don’t need to repeat the actual words we used. Im sure you could imagine pretty easily what hurtful and selfish things we each said.

As awful the argument was, there were some key points I gleaned from that night.

First, is that she is still hurting so badly from our divorce.

She has always been and still longs to be a daddy’s girl.

She is as hard on me as I am on her.

A couple of days later we talked again. We were calm and out of the heat of the moment. She said it is hard on her to go from just our family that she’s known for 17 years to it being something totally different. She does want me to be happy. She realizes that in a few short years that all of the kids will be grown up and gone (maybe!)  I told her for me it was the realization that life is too short to wallow in sadness and regret over the past. None of us never knows if its our last day on this earth. I want to strive to be happy and, of course, keep my eyes on God. The prize of eternity is the main focus of my life.

After the fight I thought things were hopeless. I didn’t think she would bend at all or even consider accepting someone else in my life. I am thankful we are at a place where she is open to my new beau. She realizes I may get married some day again. We are both trying and working on our relationship. I am so glad for that.

Is it Worth it?

I am so thrilled to have met someone who I have fallen fast and hard for. I can’t say it enough how good it feels to feel good again. To be adored, respected, cherished and wanted. To be liked. To be with someone whose thoughts and feelings for you are positive. I had forgotten about all of the wonderful things love can bring.

I told each of my kids about my beau over the past several days. It wasn’t possible to tell them at the same time. I needed to tell my son before the others out of necessity. Because the beau and I were planning on attending my sons out of town game, I wanted to tell him about my beau before he and I showed up at the game. My sons response was that he thought me having a boyfriend was kind of weird. Then he wanted to know if he was rich. When I didn’t answer this question to his satisfaction he then asked, “well what kind of car does he drive?”. What kind of car you drive can give you insight into the kind of person somebody is. Surely this is common knowledge. My son avoided us at the event we attended over the weekend. He said it wasn’t because I brought the beau. I told my oldest next. She wasn’t obviously upset but looked surprised. She asked a few questions. Overall she seemed ok with it. I told my twins last. I was not expecting them to be happy for me or jump for joy, because I now had a boyfriend. I didn’t expect them to be quite as upset as they were though. They were affected the most by my news. I asked what about it bothered them (were they hoping their dad and I would get back together? Or ?). One stated she didn’t expect we’d get back together but she just didn’t like that I had a boyfriend. The other one wouldn’t verbalize anything. She just teared up and said she didn’t want to talk about it. It sure is hard to see their hurt and feel like you are pouring salt on an open wound. I felt sad and a little upset. Its hard when you are so happy about something when those around do not share in the sentiment. I didn’t know what to say to make them feel better. So I reminded them, once again, that it was not my choice to get divorced and that I had a right to have a life. I know I shouldn’t have said it but I did. I didn’t know what else to say. I hate finding myself in another brand new situation. Unchartered territory. Again.

My beau and I live in the same metro area but its an hours drive to each others house. Technically its not a long distance relationship but it feels kind of close to it. I came to the realization yesterday as spring break came to an end that the upcoming week would look nothing like the week we had that was just finishing. It is unlikely we will see each other every day. I won’t be able to stay over until the kids are at their dads again which is every other weekend. What if they all don’t go? It is not an uncommon thing for one or both of the older ones to decide to stay home for one reason or another. So it could potentially be 4 weeks not 2 weeks until I can stay over. Ugh! What kind of relationship can you have with all of these factors playing into the picture? I can see why people rush to get married the 2nd time around. You pretty much know when its right and given the difficulty in trying to connect when your lives exist in 2 different worlds, I can see the appeal to just getting married.

What has your experience been the 2nd time around? How did you manage to date? I feel like a teenager again. Boo hoo!

Blessings….

Second Time Around

What is love like the second time around? What are the rules that govern a second marriage? Once you’ve decided this and happen to find yourself married again, what does that marriage look like melded into life as you know it? Most of the time you are older, there are life histories that are brought by each partner, former spouses, former family, possibly children, possible left-over issues from the previous marriages. The list is endless. Maybe the list the first time around is longer than I appreciated at the time but chose to ignore it. Is there a minimum dating period that occurs and is it the same amount of time as when you married the first time, before life became so complicated? Does this apply whether you are 40 or 60 years old? The list of questions can go on for days. So what are the vital questions to ask before walking down the aisle again?

I never really gave remarriage a serious thought. Not until recently that is. I’ve met someone who, over a very short period of time, has me entertaining the idea of marrying again as a possibility sometime in my future. I think the fact that my mind and heart has let these thoughts materialize is another sign that I’m continuing to heal. Have I arrived? At the beginning of my divorce journey I couldn’t even say the word “divorce.” I would only say or write “D.” I got to the point where I could eventually say the actual word. It sounds kind of funny to recall this now but the pain is fresh enough that I know there was no humor around my inability or unwillingness to say the word divorce. I can’t explain it but I recall my emotional state at the time. I think our soul keeps us from taking on more than we can handle. God has designed us that way. For that I am glad. Today I can say I am divorced and I don’t start crying and my stomach doesn’t turn.

Dating when you are over 40, have kids, a job and a myriad of other life responsibilities is a challenge. I have met someone who I will call my boyfriend now. Imagine that! A boyfriend at my age! I never thought I’d be at this place! Its not that I had my life mapped out to the detail but I hadn’t entertained at 40+ years old the possibility of not being married and, of course, all that comes with that. What does it look like to have a boyfriend at this stage in life? People all around me do it but I haven’t really paid that close attention. What I have noticed about having a boyfriend is that it is way more complicated than it was when I was 20 years old and in college. Its not just about us. Our children and the physical distance between us that has to be considered each and every time we think about doing anything. Physical intimacy? Well I am feeling like a teenager again in that regard. Where does one get privacy? I remember I used to worry about my parents being home. Now I have to be aware of if my kids are home or are coming home soon.

I decided when I started the dating thing that I wouldn’t introduce my kids to anyone unless I was at a certain point. I hadn’t defined that certain point but I thought I would know when the time was right. I have told my son about R (yes, that’s his name!). He was surprised of course, but not upset. I could tell he thought it was a little weird. Then he wanted to know if he was rich. Ok not the question I was expecting. I guess it could have been worse! I will tell my girls about R next week when they are back from their dads. They spent spring break at their dads, as their uncle and grand dad are here for the week. This has meant that R and I have had the time and freedom we won’t have come next week. It will be hard to not be able to be together. I guess that’s how it is when your a single mom with a boyfriend!

Time will tell what will come of our relationship. I just try to enjoy things for what they are and not worry about the future. I can’t control or even say if I will be here tomorrow so why expend to much energy there? I’m going to enjoy my guy and how I feel about him right now. I don’t want to get bogged down in what or how its supposed to be. I want to soak up all the great love I’m feeling. It does feel so very good.

Blessings.

Dating a Married Man

I will start this out by saying that I feel strongly that dating a married man is morally and ethically very wrong. I even feel things short of “dating” are also inappropriate and I would not be party to any such relationship. So last night a I was over at my guy friends house. We met on okCupid and live quite close each other, making short visits easy. He was telling me a little about his situation (I.e. His ex, divorce, etc). As I was trying to get perspective on all he was telling me, I asked him when his divorce was final. I thought I had sensed that it was within the past year or maybe even 6 months.

“In 4 or 5 days.”

“What?”

“I think it’ll be done in 4 or 5 days.”

“You are kidding right?”

“No. I mean I consider myself divorced. I consider it done already.”

Though I am strongly opposed to dating or even flirting with a married man, I seem to have found myself sleeping with one. A line from my lifes theme song is playing all the while in my head. “How did I get here?”

I’m sure I repeated ‘you are kidding me’ more times than I can accurately recall.

“Oh great” I finally say.

“So not only am I in a FWB arrangement (also known as sleeping with someone you just met) but its with someone who is still married!”

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this. I mean couldn’t or wouldn’t I always know if someone is married? Clearly not! I do feel better knowing that they are effectively divorced in the critical aspects. They do not reside together, or have sex. He pays child support.

I’m not sure what I should learn from this situation besides maybe actually asking the question “are you married?” I understood the status of “single” to mean just that. Single. Not married. I’ll add sleeping with a married man to the growing list of things I thought I’d never do.

Eek.

Friends With Benefits

Is it possible to be just “friends with benefits?” Like with most questions in the relationship category, there’s never just one simple answer. I don’t know the answer to this for myself so I certainly can’t begin to offer any enlightened commentary on its possibility.

I mentioned in my previous post that I was venturing out into the world of post-divorce dating. I probably cannot count the number of times over the past several years that I’ve said or thought I’d never be doing or saying a particular thing. On-line dating. This would be another to add to that list! Never in a million years would I have thought… Maybe I am in constant denial about what’s ahead in my life at any given time. Not sure. I am currently signed up with match.com and okcupid.com. I have to say that okcupid is way more fun than match! Its even somewhat entertaining. Ok so the short version is that I’ve met someone who initially inquired about whether I was interested in meeting. I was surprised….ok shocked, because he is 9 years younger than me. What in the world would he want with me? He lives fairly close to me and I guess this was part of his motivation. So I sort of declined saying he was a bit young for me. He replied asking if I would be interested in a fwb arrangement. I have always said that I do appreciate direct! The time and person I guess were right for me so I launched into this fwb thing with him. It hasn’t been very long. A week. Wow. It feels longer. Just over this week I have grown very fond of him. I enjoy getting his messages. Many are sexual in nature and some are not. We talk about other stuff too. Our time together has been brief and that’s probably underestimating! I want to spend more time with him. Talk to him more. Get to know him more. I know he’s holding back because he’s not ready for a relationship. So my question to everyone is…is it possible to be friends with benefits only? I think part of the issue for me is that we weren’t friends first. We were more like strangers with benefits. My heart feels fragile and that it could be easily broken. Its not quite like it used to be! I’m not asking him for a relationship. I’m certainly not ready for that! I am asking for more of him though. I want to know him better, to be friends.

Is it possible? Please share your experiences and thoughts on FWB.
Thanks Michele

Love Possible

I haven’t actually seen the movie “Love Actually” but thought a play on the title was fitting for my post today.

Imagine a divorced female, in her 40’s, full custody of 4 teens and enough debt for a lifetime. The burning question being “Is love after divorce possible?”

Its more than whether I can I find those feelings again, but if I did, could it ever work!? Could it ever fit in the new version of my life? Its just so much more complicated now.

Without advance planning, I joined Match.com. I never thought I would join such a service but one day I just got to thinking that at least it would give me something to do! Maybe I’d meet someone to go to a movie or dinner with. I have the same friends as before and they are for the most part married. So I was on Match for 1 or 2 days when I I responded to one of the e-mails sent to me by an interested guy. the short version of the story is that I have met someone that I am very interested in. We’ve been e-mailing and now IMing daily. We often talk for an hour or more and usually more than once a day. We’ve talked about all kinds of things. Our kids, work, interests, music our life tragedies. We’ve even expressed sexual desire. Can you desire someone you haven’t met in person? Normally I would say no but I know different.

He away on business for another week or two and then he will return to his home in Northern California. Over the course of little over a weeks time we are both falling hard. He thinks he loves me. I am trying to remain skeptical of what could become of this, I mean how could he love me? He doesn’t even really know me. I can’t deny similar feelings for him, though. I’m not sure its love. How could I have these feelings for someone I haven’t even met? I can’t get him off my mind. The feelings are amazing. I can’t remember ever feeling like this. It feels so teenager like. He will be back in 1-2 weeks and I can hardly wait. Its like 2 people who know each other reuniting after a separation.

One thing I do know. It feels good to feel good again.