Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

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Tonight your mine completely but….
Will you still love me tomorrow?

I have had this Supremes song on my mind for a couple of weeks now.  I wasn’t quite sure why or what I should do with it. I started this post a while back but I since I wasn’t sure why I had this song on my mind, well the post never really materialized. Not too much time later, my relationship with R ended. Maybe my doubts about our relationship were what drew me to this song. I will say I wasn’t devastated but I was hugely disappointed and sad. I saw so much potential for us that just never was able to be realized. My beau who loved me one day decided the next he doesn’t.  Is this even possible?  He didn’t actually say “I don’t love you,” but his actions spoke louder than anything he could ever say. The short version of what happened is that we were supposed to go away for the July 4 holiday. I needed to have the details of what we were doing so I could arrange and plan around it. When he wouldn’t committ to doing anything specific or even discuss it with any interest, I finally told him just to surprise me. Well the morning of the day we were to leave he was not feeling well. Again. I hadn’t doubted his nearly constant declarations that he didn’t feel well up to that point. The frequency of this complaint had me at thatmoment wondering how much truth there could be to what he was saying. Was it more like he felt a little bad but painted a bigger picture for me? How could someone just feeling like crap all the time?   There were actual medical reasons for him to feel bad but I still wondered. Anyway, so our plans were off for the weekend. Shortly after he told me he had just gotten up and was still feeling bad I decided I would just go over and see him. When I texted him that I was coming he responded saying that he was “downtown with his moms friend.”  Ok. So he goes from being in bed until noon because he was sick to being dowtown an hour later. I was a little upset!  I texted him back saying. “Forget it. I give up.”  I sent another couple of texts saying I didn’t appreciate being lied to and that all I asked was for him to be honest with me.  This seemed to be a theme in our relationship. The theme being that whatever we planned would somehow not work out and usually it was because he was sick. I knew we time would be limited over this time period and suggested at one point that maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a while.  He was very upset by this and so I had retracted the suggestion thinking maybe I was overreacting.  So I gave him the opportunity to break it off but he clearly didn’t want that.  We have to spend time together to have a relationship. He just couldn’t make the time. Whether he is truly as sick as he proclaims I’ll never know.

The text stating he “was downtown…” was the last time I heard from him. I sent several messages total and he didn’t respond to any of them.  It does look like he tried to call somewhere around that time.  I called him back once but he didn’t answer.  He basically went ‘no contact’ overnight. How is it that guys can just “turn it off?”  It completely baffles me. How can he love me one day and the next choose not to talk to me?  As far as I can tell there is no one else. So I’ve been left again for no one.  I’m feeling pretty discouraged and thinking I really suck at relationships.  I’m wondering if it was something about me, something I did or if it was more about him. I feel bad I wasn’t more understanding of him being sick, but then again, he could have broke it off saying he was not well enough to pursue a relationship. Instead I spent most of our relationship getting my hopes up that next time, next week he’ll feel better.

I guess love is not possible right now. 

Michele

Pomp and Circumstance

The first part of  June was spent celebrating the graduations of three of my children. I had two graduate from 8th grade and one from high school. Just hearing the Pomp and Circumstance’ graduation music nearly always brings a tear to my eye. I have a similar response to the wedding march.  Graduations and weddings signify such huge life changing milestones.  My brain has made the association so that just hearing the music causes the reaction. When I was actually the graduate and the bride I didn’t have the appreciation of the significance that I do now. I guess that is life experience.

There are other things in life that when I hear or see them a certain emotional reaction is stirred. What are some life’s moments that you have a predictable reaction to? 

Michele Bailey

Patience

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I am not a patient person. Over the years I have learned to be more patient and am certainly a whole lot better than I was when I was a child or young adult. Similarly, I’ve been described as spoiled by some in my family when I was growing up.  I always hated hearing people say this. It was usually meant to be a negative explanation of me or my behavior. I hadn’t been called spoiled for many years until I heard my ex tell me he thought I was spoiled. After 20 years of marriage he decided I was spoiled?  I will clarify that my ex certainly didn’t spoil me. He said my wanting of things or my attitude about it was why he thought I was spoiled.  

Are spoiled and impatient the same thing?

I do know when things aren’t going my way, it’s hard for me to sit back and let things just unfold. I know I need to rely on God and that is hard sometimes. Instead of Him as the Pilot with me as the Co-Pilot, I act as if it is the other way around. Lately, I have had a hard time with R being away. He has been out-of-town at his daughter’s house (8 hours away).  He went there for a doctor’s appointment, then waited for the results of the studies, had another appointment and then a whole week had gone by. He’s not coming home now because its his other daughters graduation. So the latest is he’ll be back Sunday, which will make it just over 2 weeks since we’ve seen each other. I think whats hard for me is not only the length of time but the not knowing when we will have time again. We do talk and text everyday.  I’m not sure if this is makes it easier or not!  It makes me miss him more. Am I being impatient or am I just spoiled? 

A couple of weeks before all this craziness started, I told him I thought maybe we should take a break during this time. Both our parents were going to be in town and we both had graduations (his out-of-town) and the associated activities and family visiting. I looked ahead on my schedule and saw that there were few, if any, opportunities to see each other.  When I told him this, he turned and looked at me and I think he said something like “and just not talk to each other?” He was truly shocked by what I had just said.   I explained that I knew we were both going to be very busy and maybe it would be best for now. I believe at the time I was being truthful. I mean I wasn’t suggesting this in an attempt to achieve another outcome all together (aka, Passive Aggressive?). He was quite upset by my suggestion. At first he wouldn’t say anything.   He got up from the sofa and walked around the house, pretending to be doing something.  After a few minutes, I went to find him. He was in the laundry room  leaning against the washer, head hanging.  Quiet, but clearly upset. I felt so bad.  I really hadn’t expected his response. I didn’t mean to hurt him and I told him this.  I just thought it might be best for now. He couldn’t really speak he was so taken a back. I retracted and said things didn’t have to change. He just hugged me.  As he came toward me I saw the tears in his eyes. My heart broke.  We just held each other for a good while.  We will just get through the busy times ahead.  

Fast forward and we are now in the midst of this time I knew was coming.  As I watch the busyness of our current schedules play out, I have been tempted, again, to just break things off. Now it feels more of an attempt on my part to control the situation and make the circumstances not what they actually are at this moment. I did send him a long e-mail telling him how I was feeling. I basically said that I felt like he doesn’t have time or room for me in his life. I knew this time was going to be busy and that there’d be little time for ‘us.’  Should I miss him less because I knew this?  Am I just trying to control things?  Trying to get my way?  Did I think or hope unconsciously he’d change the way things are right now and come running home?  That’s what I wanted…for him to come running back right now!

I just try to put it all out of my mind. Its easier to pretend he doesn’t exist (not sure if I really accomplish this).  I mean I can’t just think about him all day long!  If I allow myself to think about him or the situation too much, I might find myself doing something else. I have to do something.  It’s hard to just live with the feelings of missing him and wanting things to be different. I certainly don’t want to write an e-mail or letter I may regret. Or even say something in conversation that I’d regret later. I’ve been down that road in the past. 

I always want things my way. Doesn’t everyone?  I suppose there are those who never want their way.  Have they turned off that inner voice or desire for the things they want?  Or are they just more patient?  Not spoiled?  

How am I choosing to fight this demon?  I am trying to remember to seek my Lords leading instead of my own. You would think I would have learned by now that my way is not the best! 

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Be patient. Don’t push and twist for things to go my way. Relax, sit back and know the Lord has great things planned for me.  Sometimes it’s good to just be, even if the feelings can be uncomfortable. 

Blessings.

Michele

Spring and Other New Beginnings

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We have had some beautiful days lately here in the Pacific Northwest. My only complaint is that there have been too few of them!  I do love spring and all the crazy, fickle weather that comes with it. I always know summer is just around the corner. There are flowers blooming, baby birds and ducks frequenting the pond and the end of the school year is in sight.

Spring is like a blossoming love.  There are lots of firsts already shared and new experiences on the horizon. A significant first for R and I recently was him him meeting my kids. We decided to plan something fun and he suggested an afternoon of kayaking, followed by a BBQ at his house. When I mentioned the plan to my kids, they informed me that they are deathly afraid of the water. What?  Since when? 

“Is it by a waterfall?”  Uh, no.

“Are there rapids?”  Uh, no.

Who knew?  Anyway, we decided to just ride his ATV around and then BBQ. My parents are visiting so of course they came, too. I had planned on going first with 3 of my kids and my folks coming shortly after me with my oldest child. We made a quick stop at the store and as we were getting in the car to leave my oldest called and said they were at his house already!  So much for that idea. Another plan out the window. At least that was 3 introductions I didn’t have to do!  We had a fun time riding the ATV and a lot of yummy food.  There was interaction, no fighting, full tummies and I managed to escape the day without my mother embarrassing me! All was good. The day was a success. Everyone left to head home as some had homework and another had “plans” and I stayed to help clean up. Cleaning up after my family is a big job!  After all the clean up we just collapsed on the sofa. Whew!  Just enough energy left for a little loving. Dessert is always my favorite part of the meal.

The Fairytale

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There has been much ado this week about the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. It was televised live, which meant it was on at 2 am our time. Needless to say I haven’t seen it. I would of loved to see but didn’t think to record it. I can recall when his mother princess Diana and Prince Charles were married. I can’t remember what year it was but it seems like a long time ago!

Unfortunately, fresher in my mind is the night she died in the auto accident while being chased by the paparazzi. What a tragedy. Two boys left without a mother. At the time of her death she was divorced from Prince Charles.  She had been seeing Dodi Fayed who was with her that night and, also, killed. Divorce, fairly rampant among us commoners, has now even plagued the royal family. I thought Princess Diana’s life was the real fairytale that girls dream of. It turned out that Princess Diana was human just like the rest of us and subject to all of the human faults that contribute to the erosion of the very thing we hold dearest to our heart. Love. The stressors that impacted her marriage are likely not the same that impacted mine but likely had a similar negative effect on her marriage. None of us expects our own fairytale to eventually wither and die. We go in to marriage expecting it to last a lifetime. I don’t think it is wrong to have that expectation.  Because mine didn’t last a lifetime I must have had to create a life based on the reality that’s on my plate today. I never thought I’d say I was happy about my divorce but I can say today that I like my life. The past few years of my marriage I was very unhappy and felt like I was living with someone who hated me. I gave it all I could and knew how to do. I prayed for what felt like a lifetime.

Today, though, I am a happy person again. I have met a wonderful man that I love a whole lot. For me, my fairytale is just beginning.

Blessings.

The Fight

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My oldest daughter and I had an enormous fight the other night. I am at a loss for any creative way to tell the story so I will just jump right in.

I began by asking her why she wasn’t in school on a particular  day she was supposed to be. What started as a discussion about why she wasn’t in school escalated into a fight about my dating. Additionally, she was upset about an unrelated thing I had done. I was more upset than I can remember being in a very long time. I feel like I do pretty good job not speaking  negatively about her father or the situation, but not in that atmoment. I just let out more than I should of. Her basic point was that she didn’t like my dating.  She said she doesn’t want anyone (whoever im dating) at our house and she didn’t want to meet them. I was at a loss for the right words. So instead I probably said a lot of things I shouldn’t have. I really don’t need to repeat the actual words we used. Im sure you could imagine pretty easily what hurtful and selfish things we each said.

As awful the argument was, there were some key points I gleaned from that night.

First, is that she is still hurting so badly from our divorce.

She has always been and still longs to be a daddy’s girl.

She is as hard on me as I am on her.

A couple of days later we talked again. We were calm and out of the heat of the moment. She said it is hard on her to go from just our family that she’s known for 17 years to it being something totally different. She does want me to be happy. She realizes that in a few short years that all of the kids will be grown up and gone (maybe!)  I told her for me it was the realization that life is too short to wallow in sadness and regret over the past. None of us never knows if its our last day on this earth. I want to strive to be happy and, of course, keep my eyes on God. The prize of eternity is the main focus of my life.

After the fight I thought things were hopeless. I didn’t think she would bend at all or even consider accepting someone else in my life. I am thankful we are at a place where she is open to my new beau. She realizes I may get married some day again. We are both trying and working on our relationship. I am so glad for that.

Is it Worth it?

I am so thrilled to have met someone who I have fallen fast and hard for. I can’t say it enough how good it feels to feel good again. To be adored, respected, cherished and wanted. To be liked. To be with someone whose thoughts and feelings for you are positive. I had forgotten about all of the wonderful things love can bring.

I told each of my kids about my beau over the past several days. It wasn’t possible to tell them at the same time. I needed to tell my son before the others out of necessity. Because the beau and I were planning on attending my sons out of town game, I wanted to tell him about my beau before he and I showed up at the game. My sons response was that he thought me having a boyfriend was kind of weird. Then he wanted to know if he was rich. When I didn’t answer this question to his satisfaction he then asked, “well what kind of car does he drive?”. What kind of car you drive can give you insight into the kind of person somebody is. Surely this is common knowledge. My son avoided us at the event we attended over the weekend. He said it wasn’t because I brought the beau. I told my oldest next. She wasn’t obviously upset but looked surprised. She asked a few questions. Overall she seemed ok with it. I told my twins last. I was not expecting them to be happy for me or jump for joy, because I now had a boyfriend. I didn’t expect them to be quite as upset as they were though. They were affected the most by my news. I asked what about it bothered them (were they hoping their dad and I would get back together? Or ?). One stated she didn’t expect we’d get back together but she just didn’t like that I had a boyfriend. The other one wouldn’t verbalize anything. She just teared up and said she didn’t want to talk about it. It sure is hard to see their hurt and feel like you are pouring salt on an open wound. I felt sad and a little upset. Its hard when you are so happy about something when those around do not share in the sentiment. I didn’t know what to say to make them feel better. So I reminded them, once again, that it was not my choice to get divorced and that I had a right to have a life. I know I shouldn’t have said it but I did. I didn’t know what else to say. I hate finding myself in another brand new situation. Unchartered territory. Again.

My beau and I live in the same metro area but its an hours drive to each others house. Technically its not a long distance relationship but it feels kind of close to it. I came to the realization yesterday as spring break came to an end that the upcoming week would look nothing like the week we had that was just finishing. It is unlikely we will see each other every day. I won’t be able to stay over until the kids are at their dads again which is every other weekend. What if they all don’t go? It is not an uncommon thing for one or both of the older ones to decide to stay home for one reason or another. So it could potentially be 4 weeks not 2 weeks until I can stay over. Ugh! What kind of relationship can you have with all of these factors playing into the picture? I can see why people rush to get married the 2nd time around. You pretty much know when its right and given the difficulty in trying to connect when your lives exist in 2 different worlds, I can see the appeal to just getting married.

What has your experience been the 2nd time around? How did you manage to date? I feel like a teenager again. Boo hoo!

Blessings….