I am not a patient person. Over the years I have learned to be more patient and am certainly a whole lot better than I was when I was a child or young adult. Similarly, I’ve been described as spoiled by some in my family when I was growing up. I always hated hearing people say this. It was usually meant to be a negative explanation of me or my behavior. I hadn’t been called spoiled for many years until I heard my ex tell me he thought I was spoiled. After 20 years of marriage he decided I was spoiled? I will clarify that my ex certainly didn’t spoil me. He said my wanting of things or my attitude about it was why he thought I was spoiled.
Are spoiled and impatient the same thing?
I do know when things aren’t going my way, it’s hard for me to sit back and let things just unfold. I know I need to rely on God and that is hard sometimes. Instead of Him as the Pilot with me as the Co-Pilot, I act as if it is the other way around. Lately, I have had a hard time with R being away. He has been out-of-town at his daughter’s house (8 hours away). He went there for a doctor’s appointment, then waited for the results of the studies, had another appointment and then a whole week had gone by. He’s not coming home now because its his other daughters graduation. So the latest is he’ll be back Sunday, which will make it just over 2 weeks since we’ve seen each other. I think whats hard for me is not only the length of time but the not knowing when we will have time again. We do talk and text everyday. I’m not sure if this is makes it easier or not! It makes me miss him more. Am I being impatient or am I just spoiled?
A couple of weeks before all this craziness started, I told him I thought maybe we should take a break during this time. Both our parents were going to be in town and we both had graduations (his out-of-town) and the associated activities and family visiting. I looked ahead on my schedule and saw that there were few, if any, opportunities to see each other. When I told him this, he turned and looked at me and I think he said something like “and just not talk to each other?” He was truly shocked by what I had just said. I explained that I knew we were both going to be very busy and maybe it would be best for now. I believe at the time I was being truthful. I mean I wasn’t suggesting this in an attempt to achieve another outcome all together (aka, Passive Aggressive?). He was quite upset by my suggestion. At first he wouldn’t say anything. He got up from the sofa and walked around the house, pretending to be doing something. After a few minutes, I went to find him. He was in the laundry room leaning against the washer, head hanging. Quiet, but clearly upset. I felt so bad. I really hadn’t expected his response. I didn’t mean to hurt him and I told him this. I just thought it might be best for now. He couldn’t really speak he was so taken a back. I retracted and said things didn’t have to change. He just hugged me. As he came toward me I saw the tears in his eyes. My heart broke. We just held each other for a good while. We will just get through the busy times ahead.
Fast forward and we are now in the midst of this time I knew was coming. As I watch the busyness of our current schedules play out, I have been tempted, again, to just break things off. Now it feels more of an attempt on my part to control the situation and make the circumstances not what they actually are at this moment. I did send him a long e-mail telling him how I was feeling. I basically said that I felt like he doesn’t have time or room for me in his life. I knew this time was going to be busy and that there’d be little time for ‘us.’ Should I miss him less because I knew this? Am I just trying to control things? Trying to get my way? Did I think or hope unconsciously he’d change the way things are right now and come running home? That’s what I wanted…for him to come running back right now!
I just try to put it all out of my mind. Its easier to pretend he doesn’t exist (not sure if I really accomplish this). I mean I can’t just think about him all day long! If I allow myself to think about him or the situation too much, I might find myself doing something else. I have to do something. It’s hard to just live with the feelings of missing him and wanting things to be different. I certainly don’t want to write an e-mail or letter I may regret. Or even say something in conversation that I’d regret later. I’ve been down that road in the past.
I always want things my way. Doesn’t everyone? I suppose there are those who never want their way. Have they turned off that inner voice or desire for the things they want? Or are they just more patient? Not spoiled?
How am I choosing to fight this demon? I am trying to remember to seek my Lords leading instead of my own. You would think I would have learned by now that my way is not the best!
“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
Be patient. Don’t push and twist for things to go my way. Relax, sit back and know the Lord has great things planned for me. Sometimes it’s good to just be, even if the feelings can be uncomfortable.