Archive for the ‘ Loss ’ Category

Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?

image

Tonight your mine completely but….
Will you still love me tomorrow?

I have had this Supremes song on my mind for a couple of weeks now.  I wasn’t quite sure why or what I should do with it. I started this post a while back but I since I wasn’t sure why I had this song on my mind, well the post never really materialized. Not too much time later, my relationship with R ended. Maybe my doubts about our relationship were what drew me to this song. I will say I wasn’t devastated but I was hugely disappointed and sad. I saw so much potential for us that just never was able to be realized. My beau who loved me one day decided the next he doesn’t.  Is this even possible?  He didn’t actually say “I don’t love you,” but his actions spoke louder than anything he could ever say. The short version of what happened is that we were supposed to go away for the July 4 holiday. I needed to have the details of what we were doing so I could arrange and plan around it. When he wouldn’t committ to doing anything specific or even discuss it with any interest, I finally told him just to surprise me. Well the morning of the day we were to leave he was not feeling well. Again. I hadn’t doubted his nearly constant declarations that he didn’t feel well up to that point. The frequency of this complaint had me at thatmoment wondering how much truth there could be to what he was saying. Was it more like he felt a little bad but painted a bigger picture for me? How could someone just feeling like crap all the time?   There were actual medical reasons for him to feel bad but I still wondered. Anyway, so our plans were off for the weekend. Shortly after he told me he had just gotten up and was still feeling bad I decided I would just go over and see him. When I texted him that I was coming he responded saying that he was “downtown with his moms friend.”  Ok. So he goes from being in bed until noon because he was sick to being dowtown an hour later. I was a little upset!  I texted him back saying. “Forget it. I give up.”  I sent another couple of texts saying I didn’t appreciate being lied to and that all I asked was for him to be honest with me.  This seemed to be a theme in our relationship. The theme being that whatever we planned would somehow not work out and usually it was because he was sick. I knew we time would be limited over this time period and suggested at one point that maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a while.  He was very upset by this and so I had retracted the suggestion thinking maybe I was overreacting.  So I gave him the opportunity to break it off but he clearly didn’t want that.  We have to spend time together to have a relationship. He just couldn’t make the time. Whether he is truly as sick as he proclaims I’ll never know.

The text stating he “was downtown…” was the last time I heard from him. I sent several messages total and he didn’t respond to any of them.  It does look like he tried to call somewhere around that time.  I called him back once but he didn’t answer.  He basically went ‘no contact’ overnight. How is it that guys can just “turn it off?”  It completely baffles me. How can he love me one day and the next choose not to talk to me?  As far as I can tell there is no one else. So I’ve been left again for no one.  I’m feeling pretty discouraged and thinking I really suck at relationships.  I’m wondering if it was something about me, something I did or if it was more about him. I feel bad I wasn’t more understanding of him being sick, but then again, he could have broke it off saying he was not well enough to pursue a relationship. Instead I spent most of our relationship getting my hopes up that next time, next week he’ll feel better.

I guess love is not possible right now. 

Michele

Advertisements

The Fairytale

image

There has been much ado this week about the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. It was televised live, which meant it was on at 2 am our time. Needless to say I haven’t seen it. I would of loved to see but didn’t think to record it. I can recall when his mother princess Diana and Prince Charles were married. I can’t remember what year it was but it seems like a long time ago!

Unfortunately, fresher in my mind is the night she died in the auto accident while being chased by the paparazzi. What a tragedy. Two boys left without a mother. At the time of her death she was divorced from Prince Charles.  She had been seeing Dodi Fayed who was with her that night and, also, killed. Divorce, fairly rampant among us commoners, has now even plagued the royal family. I thought Princess Diana’s life was the real fairytale that girls dream of. It turned out that Princess Diana was human just like the rest of us and subject to all of the human faults that contribute to the erosion of the very thing we hold dearest to our heart. Love. The stressors that impacted her marriage are likely not the same that impacted mine but likely had a similar negative effect on her marriage. None of us expects our own fairytale to eventually wither and die. We go in to marriage expecting it to last a lifetime. I don’t think it is wrong to have that expectation.  Because mine didn’t last a lifetime I must have had to create a life based on the reality that’s on my plate today. I never thought I’d say I was happy about my divorce but I can say today that I like my life. The past few years of my marriage I was very unhappy and felt like I was living with someone who hated me. I gave it all I could and knew how to do. I prayed for what felt like a lifetime.

Today, though, I am a happy person again. I have met a wonderful man that I love a whole lot. For me, my fairytale is just beginning.

Blessings.

The Attitude of Gratitude

Those who have been down the road of divorce know the pain and grief you become so intimately acquainted with. It is not just one loss, but it seems there’s a new loss realized on a regular basis for a long time. So much time and energy is consumed by this. I decided today to intentionally focus on the wonderful gifts I received from or during my marriage. There are some pretty big things on this list and my life wouldn’t be what it is today without them. Hence, I’ve developed my list and am trying to have an attitude of gratitude. There is much from my marriage that I am thankful for but the following is my list of the ‘big stuff.’

1). Kid 1, kid 2, kid 3 and kid 4
(I have chosen to allow them to remain anonymous).

My kids are truly the biggest blessing in my life. How could I have any regrets of the life with my ex when I think about the wonderful children we have? When divorce first loomed over our house, the thoughts of not being with my kids all the time or sharing them with another person (other than my ex) was a whole new enormous pain. The news that my husband no longer wanted to be married to me was enough pain for a lifetime I’m sure. I am fortunate and thankful that I have my kids most of the time.

2). Love

The majority of my marriage I felt very loved and cherished. I felt the good thoughts my ex had for me then. He was my best friend. He was a good person and so talented at so many things. He was, also, very smart which I thought was very sexy.

3). Education

I completed my Masters degree during the first few years of our marriage. I love what I do and now post-divorce I can support me and the kids.

4). Gained family

I love my husband’s family. They have always been loving and kind to me and continue to be so now post-divorce.

The big stuff.
I have a lot to be thankful for.
Blessings.