Archive for the ‘ Dating ’ Category

Summer Fishing

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since I am once again single I have reposted my profile on the dating site where I met R, okCupid. I like this site pretty well. I like how it asks questions and helps you get an idea of the kind of person they are. Once I had my profile up and had looked around I noticed that I was seeing many of the faces I’d seen there before. I suppose its not reasonable to expect there’d be a whole new crop of men perfect for me!  I was now curious about the other dating sites out there. I had done Match before so decided not to go that route.

Plenty of Fish, Zoosk, and Rich Men are the dating sites that seem to be the most popular. I am curious what sites you all favor?  Do you prefer one over another?  Why?  I’d love to hear some critiques on these sites!

Happy fishing!  I wish everyone much love and happiness this summer!

Michele Bailey

Patience

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I am not a patient person. Over the years I have learned to be more patient and am certainly a whole lot better than I was when I was a child or young adult. Similarly, I’ve been described as spoiled by some in my family when I was growing up.  I always hated hearing people say this. It was usually meant to be a negative explanation of me or my behavior. I hadn’t been called spoiled for many years until I heard my ex tell me he thought I was spoiled. After 20 years of marriage he decided I was spoiled?  I will clarify that my ex certainly didn’t spoil me. He said my wanting of things or my attitude about it was why he thought I was spoiled.  

Are spoiled and impatient the same thing?

I do know when things aren’t going my way, it’s hard for me to sit back and let things just unfold. I know I need to rely on God and that is hard sometimes. Instead of Him as the Pilot with me as the Co-Pilot, I act as if it is the other way around. Lately, I have had a hard time with R being away. He has been out-of-town at his daughter’s house (8 hours away).  He went there for a doctor’s appointment, then waited for the results of the studies, had another appointment and then a whole week had gone by. He’s not coming home now because its his other daughters graduation. So the latest is he’ll be back Sunday, which will make it just over 2 weeks since we’ve seen each other. I think whats hard for me is not only the length of time but the not knowing when we will have time again. We do talk and text everyday.  I’m not sure if this is makes it easier or not!  It makes me miss him more. Am I being impatient or am I just spoiled? 

A couple of weeks before all this craziness started, I told him I thought maybe we should take a break during this time. Both our parents were going to be in town and we both had graduations (his out-of-town) and the associated activities and family visiting. I looked ahead on my schedule and saw that there were few, if any, opportunities to see each other.  When I told him this, he turned and looked at me and I think he said something like “and just not talk to each other?” He was truly shocked by what I had just said.   I explained that I knew we were both going to be very busy and maybe it would be best for now. I believe at the time I was being truthful. I mean I wasn’t suggesting this in an attempt to achieve another outcome all together (aka, Passive Aggressive?). He was quite upset by my suggestion. At first he wouldn’t say anything.   He got up from the sofa and walked around the house, pretending to be doing something.  After a few minutes, I went to find him. He was in the laundry room  leaning against the washer, head hanging.  Quiet, but clearly upset. I felt so bad.  I really hadn’t expected his response. I didn’t mean to hurt him and I told him this.  I just thought it might be best for now. He couldn’t really speak he was so taken a back. I retracted and said things didn’t have to change. He just hugged me.  As he came toward me I saw the tears in his eyes. My heart broke.  We just held each other for a good while.  We will just get through the busy times ahead.  

Fast forward and we are now in the midst of this time I knew was coming.  As I watch the busyness of our current schedules play out, I have been tempted, again, to just break things off. Now it feels more of an attempt on my part to control the situation and make the circumstances not what they actually are at this moment. I did send him a long e-mail telling him how I was feeling. I basically said that I felt like he doesn’t have time or room for me in his life. I knew this time was going to be busy and that there’d be little time for ‘us.’  Should I miss him less because I knew this?  Am I just trying to control things?  Trying to get my way?  Did I think or hope unconsciously he’d change the way things are right now and come running home?  That’s what I wanted…for him to come running back right now!

I just try to put it all out of my mind. Its easier to pretend he doesn’t exist (not sure if I really accomplish this).  I mean I can’t just think about him all day long!  If I allow myself to think about him or the situation too much, I might find myself doing something else. I have to do something.  It’s hard to just live with the feelings of missing him and wanting things to be different. I certainly don’t want to write an e-mail or letter I may regret. Or even say something in conversation that I’d regret later. I’ve been down that road in the past. 

I always want things my way. Doesn’t everyone?  I suppose there are those who never want their way.  Have they turned off that inner voice or desire for the things they want?  Or are they just more patient?  Not spoiled?  

How am I choosing to fight this demon?  I am trying to remember to seek my Lords leading instead of my own. You would think I would have learned by now that my way is not the best! 

“For I know the plans I have for you” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”  Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

Be patient. Don’t push and twist for things to go my way. Relax, sit back and know the Lord has great things planned for me.  Sometimes it’s good to just be, even if the feelings can be uncomfortable. 

Blessings.

Michele

Spring and Other New Beginnings

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We have had some beautiful days lately here in the Pacific Northwest. My only complaint is that there have been too few of them!  I do love spring and all the crazy, fickle weather that comes with it. I always know summer is just around the corner. There are flowers blooming, baby birds and ducks frequenting the pond and the end of the school year is in sight.

Spring is like a blossoming love.  There are lots of firsts already shared and new experiences on the horizon. A significant first for R and I recently was him him meeting my kids. We decided to plan something fun and he suggested an afternoon of kayaking, followed by a BBQ at his house. When I mentioned the plan to my kids, they informed me that they are deathly afraid of the water. What?  Since when? 

“Is it by a waterfall?”  Uh, no.

“Are there rapids?”  Uh, no.

Who knew?  Anyway, we decided to just ride his ATV around and then BBQ. My parents are visiting so of course they came, too. I had planned on going first with 3 of my kids and my folks coming shortly after me with my oldest child. We made a quick stop at the store and as we were getting in the car to leave my oldest called and said they were at his house already!  So much for that idea. Another plan out the window. At least that was 3 introductions I didn’t have to do!  We had a fun time riding the ATV and a lot of yummy food.  There was interaction, no fighting, full tummies and I managed to escape the day without my mother embarrassing me! All was good. The day was a success. Everyone left to head home as some had homework and another had “plans” and I stayed to help clean up. Cleaning up after my family is a big job!  After all the clean up we just collapsed on the sofa. Whew!  Just enough energy left for a little loving. Dessert is always my favorite part of the meal.

The Fairytale

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There has been much ado this week about the royal wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. It was televised live, which meant it was on at 2 am our time. Needless to say I haven’t seen it. I would of loved to see but didn’t think to record it. I can recall when his mother princess Diana and Prince Charles were married. I can’t remember what year it was but it seems like a long time ago!

Unfortunately, fresher in my mind is the night she died in the auto accident while being chased by the paparazzi. What a tragedy. Two boys left without a mother. At the time of her death she was divorced from Prince Charles.  She had been seeing Dodi Fayed who was with her that night and, also, killed. Divorce, fairly rampant among us commoners, has now even plagued the royal family. I thought Princess Diana’s life was the real fairytale that girls dream of. It turned out that Princess Diana was human just like the rest of us and subject to all of the human faults that contribute to the erosion of the very thing we hold dearest to our heart. Love. The stressors that impacted her marriage are likely not the same that impacted mine but likely had a similar negative effect on her marriage. None of us expects our own fairytale to eventually wither and die. We go in to marriage expecting it to last a lifetime. I don’t think it is wrong to have that expectation.  Because mine didn’t last a lifetime I must have had to create a life based on the reality that’s on my plate today. I never thought I’d say I was happy about my divorce but I can say today that I like my life. The past few years of my marriage I was very unhappy and felt like I was living with someone who hated me. I gave it all I could and knew how to do. I prayed for what felt like a lifetime.

Today, though, I am a happy person again. I have met a wonderful man that I love a whole lot. For me, my fairytale is just beginning.

Blessings.

The Fight

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My oldest daughter and I had an enormous fight the other night. I am at a loss for any creative way to tell the story so I will just jump right in.

I began by asking her why she wasn’t in school on a particular  day she was supposed to be. What started as a discussion about why she wasn’t in school escalated into a fight about my dating. Additionally, she was upset about an unrelated thing I had done. I was more upset than I can remember being in a very long time. I feel like I do pretty good job not speaking  negatively about her father or the situation, but not in that atmoment. I just let out more than I should of. Her basic point was that she didn’t like my dating.  She said she doesn’t want anyone (whoever im dating) at our house and she didn’t want to meet them. I was at a loss for the right words. So instead I probably said a lot of things I shouldn’t have. I really don’t need to repeat the actual words we used. Im sure you could imagine pretty easily what hurtful and selfish things we each said.

As awful the argument was, there were some key points I gleaned from that night.

First, is that she is still hurting so badly from our divorce.

She has always been and still longs to be a daddy’s girl.

She is as hard on me as I am on her.

A couple of days later we talked again. We were calm and out of the heat of the moment. She said it is hard on her to go from just our family that she’s known for 17 years to it being something totally different. She does want me to be happy. She realizes that in a few short years that all of the kids will be grown up and gone (maybe!)  I told her for me it was the realization that life is too short to wallow in sadness and regret over the past. None of us never knows if its our last day on this earth. I want to strive to be happy and, of course, keep my eyes on God. The prize of eternity is the main focus of my life.

After the fight I thought things were hopeless. I didn’t think she would bend at all or even consider accepting someone else in my life. I am thankful we are at a place where she is open to my new beau. She realizes I may get married some day again. We are both trying and working on our relationship. I am so glad for that.

Dating a Married Man

I will start this out by saying that I feel strongly that dating a married man is morally and ethically very wrong. I even feel things short of “dating” are also inappropriate and I would not be party to any such relationship. So last night a I was over at my guy friends house. We met on okCupid and live quite close each other, making short visits easy. He was telling me a little about his situation (I.e. His ex, divorce, etc). As I was trying to get perspective on all he was telling me, I asked him when his divorce was final. I thought I had sensed that it was within the past year or maybe even 6 months.

“In 4 or 5 days.”

“What?”

“I think it’ll be done in 4 or 5 days.”

“You are kidding right?”

“No. I mean I consider myself divorced. I consider it done already.”

Though I am strongly opposed to dating or even flirting with a married man, I seem to have found myself sleeping with one. A line from my lifes theme song is playing all the while in my head. “How did I get here?”

I’m sure I repeated ‘you are kidding me’ more times than I can accurately recall.

“Oh great” I finally say.

“So not only am I in a FWB arrangement (also known as sleeping with someone you just met) but its with someone who is still married!”

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this. I mean couldn’t or wouldn’t I always know if someone is married? Clearly not! I do feel better knowing that they are effectively divorced in the critical aspects. They do not reside together, or have sex. He pays child support.

I’m not sure what I should learn from this situation besides maybe actually asking the question “are you married?” I understood the status of “single” to mean just that. Single. Not married. I’ll add sleeping with a married man to the growing list of things I thought I’d never do.

Eek.

Friends With Benefits

Is it possible to be just “friends with benefits?” Like with most questions in the relationship category, there’s never just one simple answer. I don’t know the answer to this for myself so I certainly can’t begin to offer any enlightened commentary on its possibility.

I mentioned in my previous post that I was venturing out into the world of post-divorce dating. I probably cannot count the number of times over the past several years that I’ve said or thought I’d never be doing or saying a particular thing. On-line dating. This would be another to add to that list! Never in a million years would I have thought… Maybe I am in constant denial about what’s ahead in my life at any given time. Not sure. I am currently signed up with match.com and okcupid.com. I have to say that okcupid is way more fun than match! Its even somewhat entertaining. Ok so the short version is that I’ve met someone who initially inquired about whether I was interested in meeting. I was surprised….ok shocked, because he is 9 years younger than me. What in the world would he want with me? He lives fairly close to me and I guess this was part of his motivation. So I sort of declined saying he was a bit young for me. He replied asking if I would be interested in a fwb arrangement. I have always said that I do appreciate direct! The time and person I guess were right for me so I launched into this fwb thing with him. It hasn’t been very long. A week. Wow. It feels longer. Just over this week I have grown very fond of him. I enjoy getting his messages. Many are sexual in nature and some are not. We talk about other stuff too. Our time together has been brief and that’s probably underestimating! I want to spend more time with him. Talk to him more. Get to know him more. I know he’s holding back because he’s not ready for a relationship. So my question to everyone is…is it possible to be friends with benefits only? I think part of the issue for me is that we weren’t friends first. We were more like strangers with benefits. My heart feels fragile and that it could be easily broken. Its not quite like it used to be! I’m not asking him for a relationship. I’m certainly not ready for that! I am asking for more of him though. I want to know him better, to be friends.

Is it possible? Please share your experiences and thoughts on FWB.
Thanks Michele