Dating a Married Man

I will start this out by saying that I feel strongly that dating a married man is morally and ethically very wrong. I even feel things short of “dating” are also inappropriate and I would not be party to any such relationship. So last night a I was over at my guy friends house. We met on okCupid and live quite close each other, making short visits easy. He was telling me a little about his situation (I.e. His ex, divorce, etc). As I was trying to get perspective on all he was telling me, I asked him when his divorce was final. I thought I had sensed that it was within the past year or maybe even 6 months.

“In 4 or 5 days.”

“What?”

“I think it’ll be done in 4 or 5 days.”

“You are kidding right?”

“No. I mean I consider myself divorced. I consider it done already.”

Though I am strongly opposed to dating or even flirting with a married man, I seem to have found myself sleeping with one. A line from my lifes theme song is playing all the while in my head. “How did I get here?”

I’m sure I repeated ‘you are kidding me’ more times than I can accurately recall.

“Oh great” I finally say.

“So not only am I in a FWB arrangement (also known as sleeping with someone you just met) but its with someone who is still married!”

Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this. I mean couldn’t or wouldn’t I always know if someone is married? Clearly not! I do feel better knowing that they are effectively divorced in the critical aspects. They do not reside together, or have sex. He pays child support.

I’m not sure what I should learn from this situation besides maybe actually asking the question “are you married?” I understood the status of “single” to mean just that. Single. Not married. I’ll add sleeping with a married man to the growing list of things I thought I’d never do.

Eek.

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  1. This is an interesting dilemma (and believe me, it could be worse – he could have lied about being divorcing-in-process).

    Many moons ago (25 years? OMG, I’m ancient) – long before the days of online dating, this happened to women all the time. Except men often didn’t wear wedding rings, and when they met you, they would say they divorced or single. All it takes is a cooperative friend with an apartment and you may find yourself involved with a married man thinking he’s single all along.

    Been there, done that, and learned to be a whole more observant as a result.

    (And I certainly wouldn’t beat yourself up over this at all, but you might want to not quite take him at his word so easily… )

  2. Hmm. I actually understand this and why he did that on his OKC profile. I actually did the same because it was just the formality at that point and I knew if i put “separated” I would hear from not one guy. So, in this case, I honestly feel it is more about formalities than ‘omg he’s married!’. Know what I mean?

  3. Divorce is just a legal formality. If he is available in his heart, that is what counts. Don’t fret and don’t feel bad. Just enjoy him!

  4. I guess for me it’s not over til it’s over. I wouldn’t want to get wrapped up in what could be quite a messy situation. Fortunately, we are just friends. I don’t anticipate or even desire a future with him. Had I seen him as relationship material, his announcement would have had much bigger meaning to me.

  5. That is the fitting blog for anyone who needs to seek out out about this topic. You realize so much its nearly exhausting to argue with you (not that I really would want…HaHa). You undoubtedly put a brand new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Nice stuff, simply nice!

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