The onslaught of pain, sadness and the seemiingly never-ending grief that have been my constant companions for the past 3 years has caused me to become more than just acquainted with forgiveness. Forgiveness has never been easy. There have been things that have happened over the years that I had a difficult time forgiving and moving on from. With time I was able to do it, though. Often I was never able to be in the relationship like I was before though I had forgiven. Sometimes the wound and resulting scar is too deep. It smothers the positive feelings I once had. So I thought I understood the whole forgiveness thing. Fast forward to my post-divorce life. Applying forgiveness to my life today is totally different. I mean how do you forgive someone who is constantly offending? My ex’s existence just screams “I’m doing it my way. I am above anything and everyone.” Isn’t forgiveness in this situation really just giving approval to their actions? I really believe in not bashing or speaking negatively of my childrens father but at times I find it really difficult If he was just chasing girls or even just had a girlfriend I’d be hurt but I think I could cope with that better than my current reality. Its like he has morphed into this person that I don’t even know. So many things about his life that when I stop to think about it, I would have never imagined. He’s a professional person who hasn’t worked in nearly 2 years. He hasn’t paid a dime of his ordered child support. I remember the judge asking him, rhetirically, “you know you need to pay this?” It appears his drinking has escalated to an alarming point. I’m fairly sure he’s an alcoholic. I think he was drinking more and for a longer period than I appreciated during the last few years of our marriage. He’s lost his drivers license due to non-payment of child support. His professional license has lapsed now, though, I’m not sure why. I do not allow the kids to ride with him anymore. Besides the fact he has no license, he drove with the kids after drinking twice in a weeks time. This was the final straw. He really cannot control his drinking and has lost all ability to rationally and objectively judge his or anyone’s behavior. His passive aggressive tendencies have been in maximal force since we divorced. If he doesn’t want to deal with something he just ignores my text. Or when I ask him something like, “can you take our daughter to get her license?”. (She’s nearly 18 and I let her choose whether to ride with him. She can also drive if she feels she needs to). He answers “maybe.” I need to learn that “maybe” really means “no, but I’m too weak and spineless to actually say “no”. This could cause a discussion or confrontation! Eeek! . Why has it taken me so long to figure that out?
I am just finding it hard to interact with him lately. I have a renewed anger over the issues I have with him. He acts as if nothing is wrong, he’s done nothing wrong. For as low as his self-esteem is he sure thinks himself above everyone and everything. I feel awkward interacting with him and being nice when I am feeling pretty irritated with him. I know there is no point in addressing it with him. Its my issue not his.
Forgiveness. “I am warning you if another believer sins rebuke him; then if he repents, forgive him. Even if he wrongs you seven times a day and each time turns again and asks forgiveness. Forgive him,” Luke 17:3-4. Why should I forgive again and again? The Bible says its necessary for my own forgiveness (Mark 11:25-26), for spiritual cleansing (James 5:15-16), and it restores Christian fellowship or in other words restores our relationship (2 Cor 2:5-10). The reason I seek to forgive is because the Lord commands it. I would prefer to wallow in my irritation. I believe the Lord will help us in achieving what he has directed us to do. It is for our own good and for the glory of our God. That’s reason enough for me to keep trying.